Shiro Kuni has long served a double purpose for the Crab Clan. Not only is it the ancestral castle of the Kuni family but it is also lies near the heart of the Crab lands and serves as a mustering point for the Crab army. Numerous sake houses have sprung up around the fortification to serve the constant flux of Crab warriors. One of the largest and most popular of these establishments is the Soused Crab Sake House which is known to make up in quantity for what its lacks in quality.
Kuni Fumio sits at a table in the Soused Crab staring at a short straw with his one good eye, as if to make the offending reed wither through sheer glower. With him are Hiruma Keikai, Hida Noh, Hida Koneki, Hida Mizuharu, and Kaiu Tanzen. The slightly built Hiruma is almost lost next to the imposing Hida. Noh and Koneki are both in their armor, which is dented and pitted from countless action seen on the Wall and elsewhere. Mizuharu is dressed in an elaborate kimono that is all the more impressive due to the amount of material needed to stretch across his frame. He holds a crystal fan that almost disappears in his meaty hand.
The Hiruma, Hida, and Kuni have been drinking heavily, and bottles of sake are piled up on the table three levels high. Kaiu Tanzen’s attention is focused on an intricate piece of origami that he is folding with careful precision. His long fingers have been working the paper while the rest of the table has finished 20-odd bottles of sake, and he has transformed the single sheet of origami paper into what looks like a tiny siege engine. He looks at the brooding Kuni and asks, “Fumio-san, I could use that straw. May I borrow it?”
Fumio shakes his head. “No, ‘fraid not. This straw owes me big. Once I figure out how to escape this,” he makes a face as if he bit into something soul, “engagement, I will personally see it destroyed. So I’m gonna keep hold of it for a while more.”
Tanzen shrugs, having learned long ago to accept Kuni eccentricities. Instead, he pulls one of his own hairs and begins to tie the strand into his origami.
Koneki shakes his head and says to Fumio, “You’ve been staring at that straw all night. You, my friend, need another round. You’ll either find wisdom or oblivion at the bottom of a bottle. Or maybe a bit of both.” He raises a hand and a servant hurries over, placing several more bottles before the samurai before bowing repeatedly and fading into the background.
Keikai pours himself another cup. “Look at the bright side, Fumio-san. At least she’ll be sexy. Scorpion girls are so hot they boil water when they take a bath.” Koneki frowns at the comment, but Keikai continues. “And they know things; things Crab don’t. Trust me on this one,” he says with a smile.
“Yes, Keikai-san!” Koneki exclaims slapping his hand on the table. “They know other techniques as well, like poisoning a drink or stabbing honorable samurai in the back.”
Fumio sinks his head down onto the table. “Oh, Fortunes, please don’t let her be gorgeous,” Fumio says. “Anything but that.”
"She may be beautiful, but oni don't care what you look like,” Noh chuckles.
The enormous Mizuharu gestures with his crystal fan. “If you have to marry a scorpion, why shouldn’t she be beautiful? That seems to be the upside of the marriage.”
“Cause evil is sexy,” Fumio grumbles.
“Congratulations, Fumio-san! You’ve entered the drunken rambling stage of the evening.” laughs Koneki, and he drinks the rest of his cup.
"Well if evil is sexy,” Noh says, “I would be one step away from Enlightment since I am uglier then a goblin.”
Fumio lifts his head and picks up his cup of sake. “Hear me out on this one. I’ve been thinkin’ about this. Have ya noticed that sexy and evil go hand-in-hand? Seriously. I’m tellin’ ya, the male Lost are all whack-jobs that are horrifically diseased, bits of flesh fallin’ off, or look like they’ve been baked in an oven. But the women – they’re smokin’ hot vixens, every last one of them.”
Hiruma Keikai snorts. “Come now. That’s a bit over the top. Not all of them.”
“Yeah, all of ‘em,” Fumio growls and makes a drunken stabbing motion with his finger down onto the table as he lists off each example. “Chuda Ruri? Bathed in blood of the innocents but looked like a naughty teen barely past her gempukku. Asako Kinuye – petite, ruthless, but oh so beautiful. Daidoji Megumi – blind, deadly, and of course gorgeous. Iuchi Shahai – a sexy Unicorn who married Daigotsu. And don’t forget Daigotsu Rekai. Old, diseased, and dying till she went bad and joined the Lost where evil regenerated her youth and beauty. Evil makes you sexy? Seriously, what a crock! That’s why the Crab like their women plain. We know they’re not evil. Because if they were evil, they’d be sexy.”
“Ho now,” Koneki says after kicking back another glass of sake. “Crab women have more to offer than just beauty, and not all Crab are plain. You forget O-Ushi. Eh? You’ve had to have heard the tales of ‘shirts are for lesser samurai’ O-Ushi.”
“I always thought wearing armor without a shirt would be painful,” Mizuharu comments. “Chest hair gets pinched a lot and she has more to worry about.”
“It would explain her famous moods,” Koneki answers.
Fumio lets out an exasperated sigh. “Okay O-Ushi, but she’s the exception that makes the rule.”
“What exactly does that mean?” Keikai asks.
The Kuni drains a glass of sake in one gulp. “It means that it’s evidence that doesn’t match my theory so I’m ignorin’ it. Now watch me change the subject before ya poke any more holes in my theory. I forgot my favorite example of ‘evil is sexy.’ What was the name of that Obsidian Champion? The one who ran around without any clothes?”
“Daigotsu Hotako,” Mizuharu offers.
“What was up with her armor?” Noh asks.
“It didn’t protect anything.”
“Distraction,” Keikai says flatly. “Much of the armor worn by Lost samurai-ko is designed to distract honorable samurai.”
Koneki adds, “And dishonorable samurai. We lose more ronin that way.”
“This why we’re careful of anything attractive in the Shadowlands,” Keikai warns. “It’s almost certainly a trap.”
“Precisely my point,” Fumio says. “Evil is sexy. If this Yogo is good lookin’…”
With a cry of triumph, Kaiu Tanzen lets lose his catapult. A small wad of fabric arcs across the table and strikes the towering stack of sake bottles. The collapsing pile of sake bottles covers the sound of Fumio passing out and falling out of his chair onto the floor.